Thursday, July 28, 2011

Maybe life is fair

So the last day of girls camp the unwanted but expected call came early that morning that my sister-in-law had lost the battle with cancer. I have thought about blogging this but emotionally I just haven’t been ready and since I like to do things in chronological order I just haven’t blogged.

Sindy turned 45 in June and passed away the day before Joseph’s (her son) 13th birthday. July 16th . We made arrangements and left Sunday for Boise, we did break up the 14 hour trip with a pit stop at Natalie’s house. When we got to Boise we met up with my other siblings at the hotel and then headed over to Scott’s. I helped Salina (my niece) pick out one of her mom’s dresses to wear to the funeral. The funeral was interesting. Sindy’s family is from Taiwan and not only was the funeral culturally different but religious views were different as well. I was so impressed with my brother and what a rock he was. My dad is not an emotional or affectionate guy. I think at Scott and Sindy’s wedding he didn’t even hug Scott just shook his hand. When he came into the viewing he was just racked with sobs. That precious embrace between him and Scott was when I really lost it too. Brant gave the eulogy that my mom, Scott, and Sindy’s sisters wrote. He did a great job. Then a recently returned missionary gave a talk in Chinese for Sindy’s family about some of our religious beliefs. As far as I could tell it was also very well done. Afterward there was a nice lunch provided by Scott’s incredible ward. On the tables were origami birds made by Sindy. She wanted to do something to help with the funeral so she seriously made hundreds of these while in stage 4 cancer.

Then as a family we met at the park and just relaxed. I really enjoyed our time together


1 side is my little sister Susan, my brother Chad, My brother Scott, other side is My mom my sister Cheri and me
 Then we made the drive over to Blackfoot and the next day we had a burial in Pocatello.



My family

Salina, Scott & Joseph
 That is what we did. The emotions that go with it and what we felt are a different story. My brother Scott is a take it apart, fix it, put it back together kind of guy. He struggles with mundane tasks, he is not expressive, he is logical not emotional. Sindy ran their home with precision. They are a great match. With the news of the experimental treatments not working and Sindy’s weight dropping below 100 lbs Sindy was given 6-8 weeks. She made it to the 6 week mark. I thought of my brother: his limitations, his kids, and everything he would have to face alone and I pled with my Heavenly Father, “he can’t do this, it is too much to ask.” In my pleadings I felt that it just wasn’t fair. My heart ached for him and his young family. All we could do was pray, Scott and I had really feeling conversations more than we have ever had before and I was blown away by his strength and his testimony of the Savior. Then it hit me, ‘Life is Fair.’

Sometimes my kids say, “That’s not fair.” There I was on my knees saying the same thing and God answered with the same response I tell my kids, “fair doesn’t mean equal, it means everybody gets what they need and we all have different needs.” This is what Scott needs to make weak things become strong. God will not ask him to do it alone. And talk about strong! Scott was stronger than I knew, but God knew it and it has been incredible to watch him develop his ability to express his emotions. Heavenly Father knows my brother and just what he needs. He knew how to develop in him what we only thought was a limitation. He provides the perfect balance giving just enough to build up, but it is a fine line between build up and breakdown. It certainly wasn’t what he WANTED but it is what he NEEDED. This was an experience only God’s hand could work out. I was overwhelmed with the love God has for my brother, with the love of our family and how we came together.

This trip was hard not just because of the 30 hours in the car but the resources it took too.

I went on faith not knowing how exactly we would cover it, financially. Only to return home and chip my tooth, which required a crown and then some car problems and I thought, about Scott and his strength, God could give me a life of ease he has the power to fix everything but he loves me and that wouldn’t be fair. When Brant and I were expressing our frustrations with some of life’s complications we talked about how much God loves us and he will help us through this even in trials. Brant said it best with a, “I’m feelin’ the love!”

How grateful I am to know that we continue beyond this life, that we have a Redeemer and a loving Father in Heaven who knows what we NEED. It isn’t what I want but this life is fair.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Girls camp


I think the best calling in the church is teenage Sunday school. I enjoy teaching, I love the gospel. Before girls camp I had a very cool experience where I got some divine help in preparing a lesson on repentance.
I felt my father in heaven’s love for those girls as I prepared and as I was teaching.

Girls camp on the other hand was my own fears came to the surface, I was in panic mode before I left my hands were shaky and I thought I can’t do this. I felt frozen with fear. The thought came to ask Brant for a blessing. But he was already at work and I’d have to drive all the way into town. As I talked to one of my friends (Jenny) suggested I ask for a blessing, that reassurance gave me the courage to ask. I did and Brant was more than willing. I instantly felt peace at his hands and I felt my heavenly father’s love for me.
I actually really enjoyed girls camp, the leaders I serve with are awesome and our youth leaders were amazing!

It also helped that it was just our ward.

My ear fetish was found out as I couldn’t resist President Rice’s. It really was so much fun and a therapeutic emotional rerun!

Although change is coming I feel like girl’s camp was an experience I needed.

little game of pick you leaders nose :)
I also think we have an amazing bishop I had to come home and take a psychometrics test one of the days. Bishop told me I would be blessed for coming to girl’s camp that I would receive help on my test. I’ve learned if bishop makes a promise you can take it to the bank because MIRACULOUSLY I got an A in that class and everyone was really nice to me at camp thanks girls and sister Thom who went way out of her way to love me through the week!


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I cry for the 4th of July


What is more American, than a small town 4th of July? I’m not going to sugar coat this, I wanted to go to kanab for the 4th I love a small town independence day! I love the red hills echo of the fireworks! I love the activities at the park, the parade and of course Family. I really missed seeing family! Under the circumstances we stayed in Flagstaff and you know me I can’t help but celebrate a holiday.
Ria and I had festive feet.

We went to the park but I nearly broke down to cry when we were the only ones there, we made the best of it! Brant is always good to do that! 



We had to have a backyard water fight right?  Brant started it! 


But I think he was the most soaked by the end. 


With the fire ban we didn’t even have fireworks, :( I think I would have been crushed if it weren’t for BBQ’s with friends!

We also had some friends from Wyoming who heard about the finest pit stop on Hwy 89!!! Shalon and her kids came and stayed for a night! We were supposed to have our adoption home study that day and it didn’t work out I was so bummed but it turned out to be perfect timing I really needed and enjoyed their visit, and the house was clean :). The girls picked up where they left off and giggled the night away.

Shalon helped me gain some perspective on a situation she has been through and my brother is facing. Of course Lachlan found some fun with our Big daddy bear!









Monday, July 11, 2011

Oh what do you do in the summer time?

I thought I better do a summer update because it is almost over :(
He has been asking to do this for his Birthday! 
Oh, what do you do in the summertime, when all their schools are out?
Do they fight and scream, and use shaving cream, as they tell their teachers good bye?
This is woman who put it all of this together! 
As always Tera cleaning up the mess :)  

The Best 3rd grade Teacher ever! 
Is that what they’ve done? So have mine!

Tessa and Annette at her shower
Oh, what do you do in the summertime, when now is the time to play? 
Wendy Wednesday!
Do you take a swing at T-ball, or smack a volleyball or saddle and ride a horse


Is that what we’ve done, of course!

Cave's Crater

Oh, what do you do in the summertime, with all the flagstaff trees?

Do you hike in the hills, or take a bike on two wheels, or try to do stats as the days pass by?












 
If not, why have I?


Psychometrics in the summertime is Psychotic!  Not that there is EVER a good time for it! 

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Officially a Trekies

I’ve never been a big Star Trek fan but I am now officially a big fan of the pioneer trek.


For anyone unfamiliar with Mormon culture. It was a reenactment of the trek made from Iowa City to Salt Lake City by some of the early members of the church. Many Latter Day Saints were poor and from other countries. In order for them to make it they literally pulled their own handcart (like a small covered wagon) for hundreds of days and over a thousand miles.

you'll see who had the camera most of the trek! 

Each “family” would be assigned to pull their hand cart for a 4 day trip as a tribute to those who made that sacrifice. Brant and I were asked to go on the pioneer trek as adult children, which meant we weren’t in the same family. Brant was excited, I was nervous. As the time got closer I got excited and Brant got nervous! I knew my role was to let the kids have their own experience. Brant thought he was just there to pull the handcart I don’t think I ever saw him NOT in yoke pulling. He was like a kid a big though and a fun kid too.

Brant's Family

We showed up sporting our pioneer fashions, found our families and met our brothers and sisters and Ma’s and Pa’s! We were anxious and excited to head out and as we got going we realized some disadvantages to being the last cart. We ate a lot of DUST. Every time someone ahead of us stopped we stopped. Brant’s family was the handcart in front of ours. We got to a rough hill but having watched how the other carts did it, and what worked best we handled it with precision. I thought this is what it is all about; learning from the people who had gone before, who have figured out the rough terrain of life. But there was more trail up ahead still.


The next tribute happened when the battalion came in and took the men to war and created the “women’s pull” experience which was done in silence and the boys watched as we “women only” pulled our families cart up a steep hill. I was overwhelmed at the true spirit of sisterhood, women dropped their carts and began helping others only to run back down and get another cart until all the carts had reached the top. My legs were burning, it was a tough pull, but as I saw Brant I was determined to have my head high, I didn’t want him to see me struggle I wanted to be strong because I knew it was difficult for him to not be able to jump in and help. I made it to the top turned around and with shaky legs ran back down and pulled with other women another cart up that steep hill. After we found our families again we sat in silence, I was sick so I had some water and a few nuts and that really helped but our boys didn’t want the girls to get in a pull any more after that.


Brant’s experience with the women’s pull is different from mine…this is Brant typing now. Watching the women pull was the hardest thing we had to do during the trek. I just wanted to help them and felt helpless. It was awesome to see how strong all these women are though and especially how strong Jana was. They are so strong and they need to be respected for their strength. It was also neat to see how the sisters were angels to one another in the service that they provided to help each other up that hill. The sisters do that all the time not just for each other. They are always helping one another, they are so much better about that than we men. Some of the leaders had also taken the opportunity to talk with the boys and men about young women and how it is our responsibility to protect and respect them and protect their virtue. I thought that was a very important message for all the boys on the trek, but I also found that this experience increased my own level of respect for womanhood.

I hope I learned to keep my head up, there are some hard things I’ve been asked to do but I can do it, and I never have to do it alone. We had more trail ahead!

We walked into the night and pushed and pulled through the tiredness. I know it was only 16 miles and it only seemed like 45 minutes (an inside joke for trekies)! But we were pushed to the point that you started to ask, “Why am I here? Is getting there even worth it?” My naturally negative thoughts came creeping in then something happened I noticed the exhaustion did different things to different people. Some wanted to push through harder and faster (we passed a lot of carts with our determined drive). Then only a few of our girls started to get sick, others started to be a little whiney. Something in me snapped and I thought, “You knew you were coming for the pioneer experience, you seemed so happy and capable, is this what you want to be known for? Your influence will be someone’s memory about trek, and you can choose to arrive miserable or happy.” I can’t choose the camping spot but I can decide to have “joy in the journey”. Suddenly the sky was beautiful with the trees and the stars and I was able to get in and pull: I was determined. Our boys were strong, one even got out and puked several times only to get back in without complaint. I was impressed to think that those are the people I want pulling with me. Our girls were good too. When we are pushed our true colors do come out. We made camp for the night, but there was still more trail ahead…
most of my brother's and sisters are behind me. 
Along the way they had remembering moments, When they told the story of the brother’s 11 and 5 and the 11 year old carried the five year old on his back and died of exhaustion. I know Rianne would have done that for Heath. We also talked about momentum how you need to be in motion when you get to that hill and keep pushing up, life is the same way we have to keep our movement with the everyday scriptures, prayers etc. so that when the trail gets rough we can make it through it. We traveled not as far to our next camp, and had our Saturday, I shot a gun I even hit a card! Got my hair washed, and did some “dancing” with Brant. I really enjoyed watching him in this setting, he really got in and loved his family he was so relaxed. It made us wish for more simplicity in life. After about the 5th bag of jerky one of our girls asked if the pioneers even had jerky, that was pretty funny. My family was a lot of fun with Baby Brady keeping us laughing and Ethan keeping us guessing! and the beautiful claire even ate a deep fried beatle, yum. 

my future sister-in-law Trek style
The next day was Sunday on the trail (which was also my birthday) I didn’t want a lot of fan fair because I felt like this experience was for the kids, We went to our “Sunday school” Brant made me feel very special. During the quiet time of the day he wrote me a sweet letter, without me knowing he asked my pa for my hand (now that I’m of age). Then his family came over sang happy birthday to me and he got down on one knee and asked if I would be his wife. So maybe in four years we’ll have a family of our own ;) I fell in love with him again (I keep doing that:). We had sacrament meeting in the evening it was very spiritual. Then my brothers and sisters shared their stories of who they were walking in remembrance of, I kept thinking of Ester Brown, who was rescued by her husband Gurnsey Brown. I thought about how many time Brant has been my rescuer. That night I also went to visit Brant for a minute, well when I was coming back I couldn’t find my family my flashlight was getting dim and the lantern at our camp was not on. I was getting worried, luckily I had some other rescuers who got me back to camp. It was a wonderful birthday, but I don’t think cornmeal mush will be a request for breakfast anytime soon!

with my Ma & Pa Palmer

The next day we packed up for our Journey to Zion. We were determined to be close to the front we didn’t get their first, although we got blamed for this (Brant’s family actually did it) it was funny.

Isn't that always the way you are doing your best and people try to hold you back! 
I know this experience was for the kids involved but it turned out to be very personal self-discovery experience for me. I learned that handcart companies made up only 10% of the pioneers who traveled to the valley. I found that interesting 10% something to think about huh? We experience miracles when we are giving our best, although our experience was a simulation we experienced miracles too, the wind calmed, received increased strength and more.

I'll add more pictures if/when I get them, I could just sum it up with this:

People from the past can teach us, keep your head up you are stronger than you think, have joy in the journey. You may not choose your family, we are here to enhance the experience. Surround yourself with people who will help push or pull you to your goal, Live so your memories bring you happiness, the blisters and bruises will heal. It is but a small moment but if thou endure it well. We have a heavenly father who knows and loves us. This life is a journey is one of self-discovery and there is more trail ahead.


Monday, June 27, 2011

Fabulous Fathers

We have church early and Heath was really being a terror, maybe he is always like that but Brant is the one who usually gets him up and ready. We did make him a breakfast. 
YUMMY
 But with trying to give Brant a break we were late for church.


Heath deemed dad as “Ruler of the Day”, for him to give over control is pretty impressive ;)


He decided around mother’s day that his own tool box would be perfect for dad on father’s day and couldn’t wait to give it to him! I love his face in this picture! 

I know my kids love their dad so much. (dad day kids) but probably have no idea how lucky they are! Rianne is  such a daddy's girl and is always making him something or writing him notes.  She made him a little frame for father's day! 

I try to have them do some quick pick up before dad gets home from work and it is some signal for excitement in our home because they are checking every five seconds for his car, Brant is usually hugged before he even gets through the door. These everyday daddy moments are therapy to me!

Brant is the one they can’t wait to tell him some event of their day, the one they call for when they are sick, the first one they ask to play a game with. My kids think Dad can fix anything (except a tape measurer) that he knows everything, He is certainly the most patient! I accept the fact that he is the fun one!
Teaching Heath to ride without training wheels
I love him as my husband, and seeing him as the amazing dad he is makes me love him even more!
Here are Four Fabulous fathers who you rarely see without one of their kids! We had them over for a Lasagna dinner and Pie!